we dyscordians must stick apart

20100328

Horror Story: Pt. 1 - The Dentist

Originally posted 8/27/07

I'm under pressure to post by one who shall remain nameless. This is all I have.

Once upon a time I had four wisdom teeth that were so deeply rooted I was required, as often happens apparently, to go under general anesthetic in the local hospital for them to be removed. Well three of them were removed in hospital.

The extraction of the first WT by my dentist, David, convinced me I didn't want to be awake for the removal of the other three.


This is the story of the first extraction.


My sadist dentist wanted to pull the WT's, which were badly infected and very painful, using local anesthetic but he lied when he said it would be quick and painless. Dentists do that. They lie about the pain they are about to inflict. It's more fun for them that way I guess. They're all sadistic bastards.

I sat down in the dentist's comfy leather chair. I lay (layed, laid...which is it Val??) back and relaxed, enjoying the soothing vibration as the chair moved me into a reclining position. The sadist approached, smiling a smile that would scare children and old ladies. And me.

He probed my mouth with his shiny instrument and grabbed onto my wisdom. Tooth, that is.

The first WT wouldn't budge. It seemed to like being being a part of my head and didn't want to leave. Undeterred by my WT's resistance my sadist pulled harder and harder. So hard did he pull on it that my head came up from the headrest of the chair I was lying on until I was almost half sat up then suddenly...

CRACK!

The dentist fell on his ass and my head hit the headrest hard. "Damn," thought I, "it's out! I hope the others aren't so tough."

It wasn't over though.

"Well, that got half of it," announced the dentist as he stood up waving half a tooth clamped into...whatever it is dentists use to torture their patients with...in the air.

He dropped the mangled molar into a metallic mug and came at me again with his plier-thingies and a look of murderous intent. I was still in shock from his first assault and unable to resist as his 'nurse' easily forced my mouth open once more.

The twisted torturer of teeth continued to advance as another of his minions grabbed my head in a vice-like grip and held me down. The demented dental demon planted one foot firmly on the floor and swung his leg over the chair planting his knee firmly in my chest while simultaneously plunged his pliers into my now mushy gums.

He clamped his tortuous device around the bloodied stub of what remained of my WT and pulled. And pulled. (There may have been some wiggling too or I may just have been saying "No, no, nooooo," with my head. I'm not sure, it's all so hazy now.)

Red faced, with sweat pouring from his furrowed brow, he pulled and twisted my gummy stump for another sixty seconds before...

GLOOP!

There was a shower of blood and it was out of there.

So was I.

As my nemesis high-fived the nurses, or the Gruesome Twosome as I had come to know them, and enjoyed his moment of triumph I leaped from the chair and staggered out in a mostly sideways motion which I had previously only associated with drinking copious amounts of beer.

I staggered home, locked the doors and lay (layed, laid...c'mon Val gimme a clue) my bloodied head on a soft pillow, sighing with relief and vowing that the next three WT's would be removed only by the skilled doctors of the National Health Service before passing into unconsciousness.

Tune In Next Time For The Hospital: A Horror Story Pt. 2 (With The Bit That Makes Everyone Laugh)

21 comments:

Alice Amplified said...

I'm a dentist! And you sirrrrr are a liiiiaaaaarrrrr.

Just kidding, I just always wanted to say that.

All I can say is... Jesus Mary & Fuckin Joseph.

(p.s. thank you I can now sleep with visions of sugar plummed bloody teeth roots in my head)

Michael said...

You're welcome...and it is all true...mostly.

I am pleased I have been able to enhance your dreaming situation and you're welcome.

Pauline said...

mushy gums eeeewww!

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

I became unwell just reading your description. It also brought back memories that are well documented on film. I had two wisdom teeth removed 2 days before my wedding that resulted in my having grossly swollen jaws; in all of the wedding photos I look like a chipmunk.

Michael said...

Pauline - eeewww indeed :)

SSN - it wasn't pleasant for sure. Stick around for part two though it will provide some light relief.

val said...

First time = lay (intransitive).
Second time = laid (transitive).

Oh how I empathise! My dentist wanted to remove my two lower WTs which were impacted. Valium in the arm, I drifted up at the ceiling somewhere thinking, "Oooooh, this is taking a long time, woooo". The first tooth actually took an hour - it had an extra root which could not be seen on the x-ray. The second tooth only took 15 minutes, but for two weeks I was expelling bits of broken tooth through the stitches in the gum from the first extraction.

A couple of years later the same dentist killed a 16-year-old patient who turned blue under the anaesthetic, but he brought the boy round enough to get his colour back, and then continued... He doesn't practise round here any more.

Alice Amplified said...

Michael, I had bad dreams all night. Blood, gore, badgers.... I think you are "away with the mixer" as my grandmother used to say.

Are you posting from a looney bin?

Michael said...

Val - to be fair my dentist was good as dentists go. That valium drip was always a risky method if I remember correctly. A lot of people never came out from under that back in the day.

Heather - I get that a lot for some reason. People just assume I'm nuts. Can't think why. Just remember though, you're the one with the imaginary badger friend.

Alice Amplified said...

Oh he's real...

Alice Amplified said...

This made me laugh so hard Val...

First time = lay (intransitive).
Second time = laid (transitive).

I don't know what's wrong with me. Perhaps I should be medicated, but I found it so funny and cute.

Michael said...

Heather - Of course he is. And the jury is still out on the medication issue :)

Pauline said...

Tell the truth, it was ether and a cloth in your day!

Michael said...

Pauline - ssshhh.

Alice Amplified said...

Is anyone elses blog broke? Mine is. It says its doing stuff its not... "oh yes, your post has been added"... but its not there.

AND ITS WICKED FUNNY!!!

i restarted my 'puter... so thats not it.

Oh well, maybe the world is telling me to do something that requires me to get off my bum.

Michael said...

Probably just server maintenance. Took me two attempts to "ssshhh" my sister up there ^^^.

Ali said...

Hilarious Michael, it bought back painful memories of my own dentists visit last year. Butchered me so bad she had to sew my gums up to stop the bleeding...

... no, not the top to the bottom, I can hear you thinking it!!!

Alice Amplified said...

You say somewhere that this is your second incarnation of SI. Does that mean you had another blog? Did you leave? Where were you? Did you have to go to jail? If so, I have some questions about jail.. things I've always wondered.. like do they really have bars of soap in the showers? Wouldn't it eliminate so many troubles if they just provided liquid soap in a dispenser so no one had to worry about picking up the soap?

Also, can we please have another joke? If you could give us a new one each day you post, that would be fabulous. The clown one made me laugh, though it was totally gross.

No pressure, but try and keep up, ay? I count on you for a laugh. We all have our jobs here, mine is to be intense, sad and morose and yours is to make us all laugh.

Chop, chop now…. The badger is waiting

Michael said...

Ali - that thought never entered my...aaw, who am I kidding. It was the first thing that entered my head. Heh.

Heather - so many questions.

Yes this is the second incarnation, yes I left for a short time but I managed to get the same URL back when i returned.

I was still here, visiting a few blogs, commenting here and there, just not writing. I most certainly wasn't banged up.

I've heard they have bars of soap but can't confirm that. I'm not sure but wouldn't liquid soap make things more dangerous in a prison shower?

I will try to keep up but these tired old bones need to rest sometimes.

Say 'hi' to the badger for me....

val said...

Well, he did ask, Heather. I always love giving Michael advice on grammar and spelling. (I'm trying to be good and not do it without invitation, which is why I didn't offer the spelling of anaesthetist on the second part of the story.)

Ali said...

HAHAHAHA LOLOLOL, nicely done Val!

Michael said...

Val - you know bait when you see it, I'll give you that much.

Ali - ....oh just hush.