The 55's

This is the crap I wrote in 55 words or less on the previous incarnation of this blog.

I Can't Drive 55
"Two miles…nobody around at 2am…I only had a few," she rationalizes herself unsteadily into her Volvo.

“I can’t drive after drinking.” Billy hugs, kisses, leaves his girlfriend to walk two miles home.

Car coming. Lights red. Safe to cross.

The Volvo carried Billy’s broken body 200 yards. His legs were found near the traffic lights.
For 'The Hat'. Gone but never forgotten.

Asleep At The Controls
If I type Sgergp [ohgfh fdhdp p-ds[fi iug f09w=045jvnv allwh kjfhf iwqr ugfdgf UEIU kldfFLdjfi sfgbsnb’lvlozfdh g[oawre hytW0GFVL XK CNV OARHGFspcjvLI[XC fh0Q kld fFLdjfisfgb snb’l vlo zfdhg[oaw rehytW0GF VLX KCN VOA RHGFspcjvLI[XCfh 0Q0 0YH F9WFk soai dp0d uudodfh sdkfs ifge9ygepvjx lhgdai Goirh YVO then I fell asleep on the keyboard trying to write a 55.

Sheer Heart Attack
So still
So peaceful
You sit at your computer
Tap Tap Tap Tap

Slow, sneaking
Behind you!
I remember, but too late
Your two heart attacks

BOO!
Oops. Sorry Donna. My bad.

Thoughts Of A Newly Single Guy
She's cute and looking at me! Coming closer, still looking, smiling now, says "Hi."

Stay cool. Smile and return the greeting. In your best manly voice say “Hi, how you doing,” a la Joey in Friends.

Nonchalantly turn away like it's no big deal. Just don’t do anything stupid like…

…walking into the wall.

Doh!
Any suggestions that this actually happened to me outside work last Wednesday afternoon are just ludicrous.

Streaming 55
Write a 55 with my mind so cluttered? I need to go shopping computer is knackered car is dirty I have no life pay raise didn’t come through this dog follows me everywhere I’m a blog addict my shoulder hurts why is my belly button always full of fuzz lately? Sorry, ain’t gonna happen today.

Email 55
“Hi!

Got the email about your blog and you wanting to post some of our past exploits in there. I’d had a couple of beers so I bet I‘d be the first person you’d mention by name. Do that and I’ll pay for a night out next time you’re in England.

Love always,
NAME WITHHELD
Some 55's just write themselves.

Negative
“The result was negative.”

“You mean that piece of fat you took from my ass was just a piece of my fat ass?”

“Yes, but I’d like to go in one more time to make sure nothing else is up there.”

“There's nothing else up there. Really. You already scared the crap out of me.”

Last Post
M knew that they’d come for him eventually. The Psychological Warfare Dept. (codename Cathy) had already made its opening move; making its presence known and then watching closely, planning. The word on the street was that Cathy had called in the Terminator (codename Pauline). He was outnumbered. It wasn’t safe to stay here any more.

Cruel Mistress
He desperately wanted, needed, to leave her. She was consuming him; his thoughts, feelings, everything he was taken and laid bare for all to see. How could he leave though? She stroked his ego, told him he was clever, funny, all the things a man wants to hear. Oh, cruel mistress Blog, please release me.

Tact And Diplomacy
Sighing she stuck her behind in the air allowing her dutiful husband to apply the cream. She tried not to think about how undignified she must look. Nothing could possibly make this any more embarrassing.

“Why does it always take you so long to do this?” she asked.

Tenderly hubby replied, “It’s a big butt.”

Family Reunion
"Hi pa, grandpa. I didn’t think I’d see you so soon. I just wanted y'all to be proud of me so I swore I’d serve my country like you guys if it were the last thing I did. Well...it was the last thing I did. I didn’t even hear the shot that killed me."

Stag Night
The rules were simple. “Get me drunk; no stripping or shaving hair or you’ll die.”

“Agreed!” He felt safer.

That’s how he found himself alone, drunk, with a huge vibrator taped immovably into each hand in the town’s most famous gay bar.

He was later thrown out of the Lucky Wok for having irregular chopsticks.